Category Archives: Relationships

Timothée Chalamet and Matthew McConaughey speaking during a CNN town hall interview.

#73 Do you know the origin of your complacency? — Chalamet & McConaughey conversation

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A conversation between Timothée Chalamet and Matthew McConaughey

There is an engaging podcast-style conversation out there between Matthew McConaughey and Timothée Chalamet that sparks reflections on complacency.

They spend over an hour talking about their careers and their experience in the movie industry, while also taking questions from students.

Beyond the backstage secrets revealed and the lightness and confidence with which they talk about personal experiences, one can notice the gratitude they have for having been able to approach life with curiosity and freedom.

Chalamet expresses that very well when he says:

First of all, I’m incredibly lucky with the family and support system I’ve had from the beginning. And I know how lucky I am because I’ve talked to peers of mine who haven’t had the same support system, where it’s more the clichés of, hey, this person wants something out of you — sometimes in a really dark way, in a financial way or whatever. It can be hard to get those dynamics.

The impact of family expectations on the individual

As Chalamet mentions so naturally and clearly here, family support without expectations — without the pressure to become this or that so parents can brag about their children to neighbours, or project their failed dreams onto them, or even expect them to become rich and successful to exploit their image or finances — is crucial.

From a purely observational point of view, we could state that (sadly) the majority of people do not have this luxury to begin with, as Chalamet did, and that sets him apart from most people already. Having emotionally intelligent, present, and mature parents is an absolute blessing — maybe the biggest blessing one can wish for in life. Let alone parents who consciously choose to give minimal but effective guidance, weighing their words and emotions carefully, and offering their children a safe and genuine degree of freedom to explore life with curiosity and a sense of security.

The latter is a rare parental skill that requires multidimensional levels of intelligence, leadership, and egolessness — the awareness that love can be expressed by letting go of expectations and simply allowing the other to be whatever they feel interested in becoming, as long as no self-harm or harm to others is involved.

The burden of figuring things out for oneself

So we could argue that despite some people reaching a satisfying degree of freedom and self-awareness at some point in their lives, most of them have to fight hard to obtain it — and then to figure out how to be themselves and enjoy it — to the point that the effort almost overshadows the pleasure that comes from it.

One can only appreciate the lightness, kindness, and warmth that these two express while debating. And the genuine honesty and humbleness they display when opening up about certain topics.

Their ease is not accidental; it reflects a foundation. It’s easier to accept yourself when you realize that the maturity and warmth of others may originate from a system that was not accessible to you. Recognising that can shift the focus from envy to understanding. From that acceptance, one can develop maturity and warmth in oneself, which means it can still be built — if that makes sense. It may require conscious reconstruction rather than inheritance. It also depends on the receptiveness of the audience, where they decide to focus and where they stand on their own journey.

On the topic of complacency

From another angle, we could argue that trying to satisfy parents’ expectations without rebelling, which can happen due to fear, conditioning, and pressure coming from multiple sources within a family system, can turn someone into a complacent individual, a people pleaser.

Some parents are insanely attached to an idealized future version of their children — a specific picture in mind that they desperately want to manifest, that their children grow up without a clear idea of what they want from life. They only start figuring that out too late and too slowly. At that point, they want to be successful in something — anything. Even though success is not necessarily the right metric for satisfaction in life. Passion, development, coexistence, and self-awareness may instead be more accurate measures.

Many other factors can turn someone into a complacent individual: the desire to adapt in a specific context, aligning with social rules, codes of conduct, especially nowadays, when the mix of cultures is greater than ever.

An inspiring closing

At the end of the interview, a young woman asks the two a classic question: “What would you tell your younger selves?”

McConaughey’s answer is direct:

I know you love risk and you take them. Take more.

It is simple advice, but not easy advice.

It seems like a strong antidote to that complacency that is imposed from outside and that everyone eventually learns to impose on themselves — in order to feel more comfortable and safe. Which is understandable after years of fighting and grinding, but at the same time goes against a fundamental principle of life: growth requires exposure to risk.

Cover of the book Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

#67 Burning desire, clear plans, and persistence: lessons for the New Year

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I always wanted to subscribe to Blinkist, but I found it too expensive. Unexpectedly, Blinkist came my way, as my partner accidentally bought a yearly subscription and I decided to split it with her. One thing that’s amazing about Blinkist—and that I didn’t know—is that you can have a joint subscription.

I dove into it and I’ve already read/listened to multiple Blinks, which, for those who are not familiar with the app, are summaries of great books you can consume either by listening or reading.

Among these, I found one filled with amazing reminders: Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill.

Since it’s the end of the year, and I think this book could help anybody who wants to have a successful and great next year, I wanted to share my main takeaways in an even more concise way, with a personal perspective where applicable.

1. Burning desire

A burning desire—for me, it’s completing my novel. Even though I will still reflect on it during my Year Compass reflections, which I will do this week, I already feel this desire clearly guiding me.

👉 If you want to know more about the Year Compass, you can read my post on this topic here:
#18 A compass for the year ahead that works

2. Detailed goal and plan

Goal and detailed plan: read them out loud twice a day.

As I was reading this, I realized I want to follow this approach to finish my book—having a detailed plan of my weekly goals, but also a clearly laid-out book structure. This instead of relying on spontaneous moments of inspiration, which, despite being fun and amazing, come with the downside of being sporadic.

With the blog, this is much easier. Its format—periodic posts related to topics I’m interested in, reflections, and personal insights—already provides a solid framework. The openness of a blog and its frequency are a really good structure to achieve this.

3. Unwavering faith

Have unwavering faith in yourself. It can help us move mountains.

I think, for example, of my desire to leave Italy and explore the outside world. I held this dream for almost the 17 years I lived there—and I eventually achieved it. I think about my university achievements despite the obstacles and gaps I had. I think about finding a job again after more than a year of unemployment.

👉 I wrote more about this difficult period and what it taught me here:
#33 Do we remember with honesty? | #28 Le sfide del processo d’integrazione tra ammirazione e invidia

4. Autosuggestions

Autosuggestions— influencing yourself with specific, purposeful thoughts. Persuading yourself.

This is a kind of self-hypnosis, but as long as it’s done consciously, without losing your compass of what’s realistically achievable with your current knowledge and experience, this is definitely a powerful tool.

5. Knowledge is power

Repeating Mr. Bacon’s evergreen Scientia potentia est, translated from Latin as “knowledge is power.”

But stacking facts on top of each other is not what this really means. Knowledge is experience—and yes, knowledge itself—not a mere accumulation of concepts. It’s the willingness to continue learning throughout our lives.

We also need to know where we can find knowledge, and for that, it’s always better to be surrounded by people who know more than we do.

6. Dreams into ideas, ideas into reality

In a nutshell, we need to be able to imagine with no boundaries, then shape those ideas into something concrete and within our reach—and then go for it in the world we live in.

7. Know your own strengths and weaknesses

Being self-aware in an honest, conscious way allows us to take action against our weaknesses.

To do that, Hill suggests asking ourselves the following three questions:

  • Have I achieved my aim for this year?
  • Was I a good communicator?
  • Did I make all the right decisions along the way?

Then, ask what could have been improved. Finally, evaluate this with somebody who knows us well and is honest enough to point out our weaknesses. We also need to be open to hearing it.

8. Positive emotions

Here, I feel I have a lot of room for improvement.

In recent years, overconsumption of news and listening to my own—and others’—overcritical voices has made me quite pessimistic about many aspects of life. Without mentioning the component of negative thinking that comes from my own family.

👉 This theme also runs deeply through my novel-in-progress:
#60 “Il giovane che voleva andarsene”, un romanzo – Parte I, 1

Positive emotions are key to a successful life and must be nurtured. Feed the positivity within you. Avoid negative people and information. Don’t waste your life on pessimistic headlines. Fill it with love and enthusiasm.

9. Determination is key

Make decisions and stand behind them, no matter what. Stick to what you believe in. Don’t let negative, unsubstantiated influences and criticism get to you.

At the same time, stay open to constructive feedback. Smart people know how to point you in the right direction while empowering you. Surround yourself with that kind of people.

10. Only the persistent will succeed

Persistence and endurance are key. Remember these lessons:

  • Identify your burning desire
  • Have a concrete goal
  • Have a very specific plan
  • Don’t let negative, unsubstantiated opinions affect your resolve
  • Have a trustworthy and knowledgeable network of people around you—people who are better than you and can provide support and assistance

11. The bigger the goal, the more people you will need

This closing thought really resonated with me.

The bigger the goal, the more of the right people you’ll need to support you and your dream—a selected group of like-minded souls. If these people put all their knowledge and burning desire together, the sky is the limit.

Use this in your Year Compass, and I’m sure you’ll achieve great things next year.

Bottom line

Big goals don’t live in isolation. They need clarity, belief, emotional balance, and the right people around them. What Think and Grow Rich reminded me—through Blinkist and through my own reflections—is that success is less about sudden breakthroughs and more about steady alignment between desire, action, and persistence. If you take even one of these ideas into the new year, you’re already moving forward.

#66 Learning to hear what my parents never said out loud

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There was a time when everything my parents said would piss me off. Even though I rarely reacted to what I perceived as provocations, inside I was boiling—repressing emotions like anger and anxiety.

In the last years, however, I’ve begun finding peace with them, and I still can’t believe it took more than thirty years.

It wasn’t a single moment of clarity. I had to go through a long process that involved distancing myself from them, listening to other people’s stories so I could detach from my own, getting randomly triggered by memories of past moments, and trying to understand what that whole first part of my life meant—if anything at all. It meant facing a lot of uncomfortable emotions, going through multiple breakdowns, and sitting with questions that didn’t have clear answers.

By the end of it—or what feels like an end, if such a thing even exists—I didn’t experience a dramatic breakthrough or sudden epiphany. It was more of a slow realization, one that I’m only now starting to grasp with more clarity. I want to share it briefly here, because it might help someone reflect on their own situation—or smile knowing they’ve gone through the same necessary shit. Or maybe shake their heads, not understanding what I mean. And that’s fine too.

What I realized is this: I don’t have to take everything my parents say seriously or personally, or interpret it as criticism or a lesson.
Learning to read between the lines helped me find peace with them.

And by that, I mean understanding the real meaning—or lack of meaning—behind what they say. Sometimes there is no lesson, no deeper message to decipher, no hidden agenda. Sometimes parents talk simply because they want to be in connection, even when their words don’t land well.

I now understand why this took so long.
Up to a certain point, we expect direction from our parents. And it’s not always clear what they’re trying to say—even though they may be convinced that they used all the words and methods available to communicate their point.

With time, some things did become clearer, mostly because I closed part of the communication gap by making the effort to listen without expecting anything at all. Other things, I believe, will never be totally clear—and I now know I can live with that.

Of course they made a ton of mistakes along the way. Who doesn’t?
What parent doesn’t make mistakes?
What child doesn’t?

We may spend years victimizing ourselves for the things that happened to us—and that’s okay too. It’s part of the process of understanding, of putting together the pieces of a puzzle that takes a long time to make sense. Abuse leaves scars; trauma is no joke. But we can overcome anything—even the heavy things we bury deep in our soul, the things that make us shake when we access them, but that we eventually have to face in order to transcend them.

Once we acknowledge the humanness of our parents, and see how they, too, are normal people trying to do the right thing while raising another human—something nobody ever taught them to do—even the unclear things start to feel a bit clearer.

And some things simply lose importance along the way. We look back and wonder why we spent so much time dwelling on them.

When we finally start listening—really listening—to them or to anyone, without resistance and without judgment, we realize how often we didn’t read between the lines. How often we refused to fill in the blank spaces, the things people cannot express with words.
In my experience, many people from older generations often found it harder to show vulnerability or express certain emotions compared to how we approach these topics today. It’s still not easy now either—but difficulty isn’t an excuse. If we want to convey real meaning in what we say, we need to open up and share our fears, emotions, and the things that scare us most.

And we also need time. Time to learn how to do that, in the right context, and at the right moment.

#65 Expect the least from others and be amazed by what you find

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As far as I can remember, I’ve always been someone who expects a lot from others—too much, actually. But with time, I realized that these expectations disregard the humanness in us—our natural tendency to make mistakes as part of growth.

Growing up in Brazil, I was raised in a very controlled environment—so controlled that my childish mistakes were met with some form of punishment almost every time. Experimenting with freedom and without fear was difficult for me. Things improved when I moved to Italy, as Europe generally feels safer, but not by much. By the age of eighteen, for example, I had never been to a club, never drank alcohol, never even tried coffee—and on weekends, I still had to be home before 22:30. I had done many other debatable things, like punching other kids in the face when I felt they had crossed the line, but I eventually blacklisted that kind of behavior, too.

Before I realized it, my parents had given me a strong ethical foundation. I had a clear sense of right and wrong—at least from my own perspective. I won’t pretend I didn’t act hypocritically at times, bending the rules I had imposed on myself for personal advantage. Consciously or unconsciously, we all do that. Still, I had my own code of conduct. (As a side note, it always surprises me how strange some things sound when you write them down.)

Over time, that educational method bore fruit. I could focus on what mattered to me without distraction, and I was respected—admired even—for my integrity.

Nowadays, the kind of upbringing my parents gave me—filled with slaps, confinement, and, at times, beatings with a belt—would be completely unacceptable, at least here in Germany, where I currently live. I’m sure I would avoid any form of conscious physical or mental coercion if I were to become a father. However, it worked. And as strange as it may sound, I’m extremely grateful to my parents for that. I believe I was a tough kid, and they did what they could with what was available to them at the time.

The catch, though, is that I came to expect the same level of (self-perceived) integrity and moral drive from others. I simply couldn’t accept mediocrity as I defined it—and that soon led me into self-isolation.

It took me a very long time to understand that we are all different, that we should accept and even embrace those differences. Putting this into practice is still a work in progress, but I can confidently say I’ve improved since I began prioritizing this mindset, researching the topic, and working on myself.

I haven’t yet reached the harmony I desire in relationships. At the moment, I find myself in a phase where I expect the least from people I meet. It’s a way of tricking my brain into opening up more easily. But I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how much quality others can bring into our lives when we set the right boundaries and shape them consciously—when we stop projecting too much of our inner patterns onto the outside world and instead learn to embrace whatever it has to offer.

Expecting less from others doesn’t mean lowering your standards—it means freeing yourself from the illusion that people should act according to your script. When you release that weight, life becomes lighter, and genuine connections have the space to surprise you.

a person making a letter with a cup of smoking coffee nearby

#56 Pagine di una Moleskine 1: Vivi e lascia vivere

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Berlino, 1° febbraio 2020

Di tanto in tanto ripenso al tormento che ho vissuto durante la mia relazione precedente. Non ho saputo creare un equilibrio, né tantomeno marcare dei sani confini. Mi sono lasciato sopraffare da una persona nervosa, sospettosa, incapace di comunicare in modo costruttivo e triste. Lei si portava dietro una dolorosa ferita mai del tutto guarita, provocata da qualcuno venuto prima di me.

La memoria di quel tormentato periodo riaffiora ancora e, con essa, le emozioni legate a quel momento della mia vita.

Alcune emozioni affaticano lo spirito e ci trascinano in una dimensione oscura e mostruosa. Sono sintomi di mali che hanno radici profonde nel tempo, nel cuore e nella mente.

Ho — o meglio, ho sempre avuto — la strana tendenza a credere che le persone che incontro abbiano un grande potere su di me, soprattutto quando possiedono un’energia negativa. Forse è così per tutti. Il male è come una malattia estremamente contagiosa: è bene vaccinarsi e, se la si contrae, è fondamentale curarsi prima che ci debiliti o, peggio, che ci uccida.

Forse ci vorrà del tempo prima che guarisca del tutto, ma è positivo notare che ho la consapevolezza di non essere nessun altro se non me stesso.

Non ripeterò l’errore commesso da altri nei miei confronti: la donna che amo sarà libera di vivere come vuole, e così sarò io. All’insegna del rispetto reciproco, della tolleranza, dell’accettazione e della libertà.